Here I am again, after quite a long break. I obviously didn't have time to write this blog during P3 year, and it was certainly a crazy year. Crazy in a bad way. As in, it made me crazy.
I can't even begin to explain what's happened to me. I've always struggled with depression, and more recently with anxiety, so I started seeing a psychiatrist in January and got put on some meds. For awhile I was doing great. I was feeling better than ever, like I could finally get past the giant roadblock of negative thoughts in my head and live the life I wanted to. Then came March 18th...
On March 18th I had my 2nd panic attack ever. I got shaky, flushed, dizzy, and my throat felt like it was closing in on me. Panic attacks are truly a terrifying experience. I really thought I was dying. I even called an ambulance once because I thought I was going to stop breathing. Ever since that day my throat has felt like it's only a fraction of the size it's supposed to be. I've continued having panic attacks because of this, and I've gone to bed several nights fearing that my throat would close up in my sleep and I would die.
Afraid. That's all I am these days. I'm constantly afraid that I'm currently dying or I'm going to die. Part of me realizes how utterly stupid and irrational this is. I know it's crazy and I shouldn't be thinking any of these thoughts. But they're there in my head, and they don't seem to be going away. I can't stop the cycle of fear and anxiety that's taken over my body! I need some serious help.
I've tried so many things to get back the old version of me. I have a psychiatrist and my meds have been switched around. I saw a campus doctor, an emergency room doctor, and Ear/Nose/Throat specialist, and now a chiropractor. AND I have an appointment with an allergist later this month. And I've gotten sinus x-rays, soft tissue x-rays of my neck, x-rays of my neck and upper back, been tested for mono, and taken antihistamines in case of allergies. I don't know where to go from here! What the hell is wrong with me!?!?
I also discovered the definition of agoraphobia today while re-reading my therapeutics notes, and it pretty much describes exactly what I've become in the past 4 months......Agoraphobia: Anxiety of being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult or embarrassing, or in which help might not be available in the event of a panic attack; situations are avoided or endured with much distress; may exist with or without panic disorder. Yep, this is exactly how I am. Driving makes me anxious. The only place I feel comfortable and safe is at home. I want to see my friends, but it makes me so anxious to travel to Big Rapids or anywhere else. I don't feel trapped, per-say, because I feel so safe here at home. But I do know that this constant fear is keeping me from doing things that would normally be no big deal, like going to see my friends.
All I feel like doing is curling up in a ball on my bed and crying. I can't get past how my body and mind are freaking out on me. And my Dad just thinks I'm ridiculous. He thinks that happy thoughts will make all of this go away, but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and how impossible it is for me to just pretend like everything is fine. It's not fine!
Nothing is fine anymore. I have almost nothing to love about my life right now. I would give just about anything to get back who I was in January and February. I wish March 18th had never happened. I can't even talk about this anymore because I'm getting too upset.....
The End
