in Christ alone my hope is found

God is so awesome!!!! It's unbelievable how he takes care of me when I feel like things are a complete mess. So, remember how I was saying that I might fail Med Chem? Well..... I PASSED!!!! And we even had the cutoff at 65% (instead of 60% where a D- normally ends), and I got a test average of 65.3%!!!! Totally a God thing. I mean I was FREAKING OUT during exam week, which my roommates can attest to (sorry girls!). And I studied like I hadn't studied all semester. And I prayed about it every time I started studying again after a break. So it's just a huge thrill to have such solid proof that God hears me when I'm a wreck and need him most, and he answered in just the way I needed at the time. Yay God! lol. It's still a kick in the butt though, only passing by 0.3%, and I'm sure God would like me to never forget how privileged I am to be in pharmacy school and how I should be making the most of it by studying as hard as I can.

As far as being home for break...well...I miss my BR friends!!! It's hard not having friends nearby everyday, and not knowing when I'll be able to hang out with people. At school that's not really a problem, but it's different trying to get people together here in Midland. I'm never sure what people are up to, or if they're even in town! And everyone knows I hate phones so I'm probably not going to call around and check on friends. But I gotta work on that. So yeah, besides the girls' Christmas tea on Thursday I haven't really seen anyone. And with all of the holidays and family plans stuck in between stuff I'm having a hard time figuring out when I'm going to visit people out of town. But I'm stupid for complaining, I'm on break for goodness sakes! It's a great thing when my hardest dilemma is figuring out exactly which day to hang out with friends! lol. So many good things are coming up - Christmas, Frankenmuth (probably a couple of times), IKEA, New Years, my 22nd birthday - gotta make the most of this break while I can, before the craziness of P2 2nd semester starts!

happy friends = happy me

I love it when friends have happy news! It makes me happy too! That is all.

just walk away

I'll admit it, I have a huge problem with holding onto unnecessary emotions. And it's taking a toll on me. I feel so worn out and indecisive. Sometimes it happens when I argue with people, and then I keep thinking for hours afterwards about what I should have said, how it could have gone differently, what will happen next, etc. Sometimes it happens when I'm trying to analyze how people will react to whatever decision I make next - I never want to make people mad cuz tension upsets me so much, but I never know what little things will set people off! I need to stop living my life based on how people may or may not react, it's driving me crazy! Today the clinging to emotions happened when I took my Med Chem final. I feel so defeated and like a giant failure. But there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now. It's done, I just have to wait and see how it turns out. Unfortunately, I'm pretty much incapable of walking away from a situation and saying "It's done, time to let it go." Doesn't happen. So I'm kinda still freaking out about how bad the test was, and going over in my mind what will happen if I actually fail the class. That'd be humiliating. I've never actually failed out of a class EVER. Tests, sure, but not a whole class! And then I'd have to retake it this summer, which would be both embarassing and torture b/c I already spent last summer here and it sucked. Ugh, ok, trying to refocus. I don't have time to dance these circles in my head, I still have 2 more finals to pass! Alright, back to studying.

study break

Just felt like using my study break to unload some thoughts. The IV Christmas Formal last night was awesome...I don't like to dress up all the time, but it was fun for one night! Got lots of funny pictures too --> see Facebook for details. hehe. I'm amazed today by the power of prayer. It's one thing I struggle with quite frequently - as in, I rarely remember to pray for anything, and I hate praying for myself - but today I decided to make sure I pray each time I get back into studying. And so far God's been awesome about it! I guess I always feel like He won't take my prayers seriously since I don't frequently send any His way, but that's silly cuz God cares about everything we do and desire. Within His will, of course. So anyways, I've been pretty darn focused today and I'm feeling better about Med Chem by the second. Maybe I won't fail after all! Yay! In other thoughts, the word I'd use to describe my mood in general today = wistful. "Full of wishful yearning; pensively sad; melancholy." Yeah, that's me. If you actually read this blog all the time, I bet you can guess why I'm wistful. And you'll understand this playlist that describes what I'm wishing for:

• "Believe In Me" ~Demi Lovato
• "Long Time Coming" ~Oliver James
• "You and Me" ~Lifehouse
• "When I See You Smile" ~Bad English
• "Everything" ~Michael Buble
• "Chasing Cars" ~Snow Patrol

Well anyways, just using this space to clear my head again and make it easier to cram in Pharmacy-type things. So there you have it. I apologize for my insistent blogging about my lack of a love life. Smack me upside the head when you get too sick of it, k?



*** just watched 2 Disney movies, and even they make me lonely! grrr***

cuteness!

cute boys + cute song = a whole lotta cuteness! watch it, you know you want to!

Jonas Brothers - "Girl of my Dreams"

it hurts to watch from the sidelines

Well, to start off on a happy note....I JUST SAW TWILIGHT FOR THE 3RD TIME!!! STILL AMAZING!!! lol.





Unfortunately, watching movies like this also makes me very sad. It just reminds me of the one thing I want most and can't have (yet)....♥LOVE♥. Even though Bella & Edward are fictional characters, and it's just an on-screen relationship, it's painful to sit there and watch someone else fall in love when I don't get that chance. I want to feel it so badly. More than anything. Which is why I torture myself with love stories in all forms of media - movies, music, books - because it's the most beautiful thing in this world. It's hard for me to contain tears sometimes because it hurts so badly to be alone. I want be loved and to love in return. I want a guy who will take care of me, but who also doesn't mind being cared for. I want a guy who can put a smile on my face even when it feels like my world is falling apart. I want a guy who takes me as I am - for all of my shortcomings & quirks, for all of my sins & failures, and for all of my dorkiness & tween-girl tendencies. It's almost been 22 years on this earth without that soul-mate type of love, and it gets harder each day to watch it taunting me wherever I go.

I think , well actually I know, that this is one area in my life that I pretend I've given over to God...but I really haven't. The only thing that I can say with complete honesty is that I definitely wouldn't want to date anyone but "the one" that God has created to be my perfect match. I will not settle for less. BUT, I'm in a constant battle with the fact that I'm still single. I'm miserable about it, and I'm not gonna lie, it SUCKS having to wait for God's perfect timing. It's beyond frustrating and I'm not okay with just sitting here complacently until love comes along. But I guess I don't have another choice, do I? So here I sit. Resentful. Unhappy. Lonely. Weary. *sigh* Here I go again, blabbing on and on about something I can't control. It just brings tears to my eyes if I think about it too much. I'd better shut myself up now that I've been able to write some of it out.

Blog comments are always appreciated, but perhaps not in this case if they involve any of the following phrases:

• "it's worth waiting for"
• "he's out there somewhere"
• "you'll just know when you find it"
• "just be patient"
• "good things come to those who wait"

DUH! I already know these things, and it only makes the waiting process more painful, thank you very much.

....haha, I just remembered that someone told me last week that I seem like the independent type....that's hilarious....

emo randomness!

Haha, found this as a link in an article off Yahoo news....

http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/786/

....it's an Emo Band Name generator! lol.

Mine would be:
Katie ~ Not Quite Tantric Valentine
or
Katharine ~ Some Kind of Tantric Valentine

:oP

how it always ends up

Why do I lay in bed at the end of every day and just end up hating myself? In my last few minutes awake each night I'm always revisiting all the things I've done wrong lately, especially that day (being lazy, not studying enough, eating too much, not treating people properly, etc.) It's so easy for me to focus on all of my shortcomings. And yet, I haven't made much progress in changing who I am now into the person I'd like to become. Which, ironically, makes me hate myself even more. Ha. I'm not sure there's a solution to this, except to slap myself into reality and work really hard at fixing the things I don't like about myself. The biggest thing being my spiritual life, which seems to have come to a screeching halt. It's not going backwards, per say, but it's not improving either. But I did have a few things catch my attention at Elevate tonight. The topic was the Will of God. I realized how fake I am in my Christianity, and how if I would actually strive to live like Jesus things would be much different. There's some verse that talks about how when you live according to God's will, blessings will follow. Pastor Tony made a point about how when you're living correctly blessings are supposed to chase you, not the other way around. Once I can align my life with what God has planned for me, good things will come, of this I'm sure. It's just a LOT harder than it sounds. Grrrrr.

I always try to write these blogs too late at night when I can barely stay awake anymore. But it's the time when the most thoughts are racing through my head and I'm doing a mental recap of my day anyways, so I might as well get it out on here. But now it's bedtime. So, goodnight everyone, sweet dreams.