Why do I lay in bed at the end of every day and just end up hating myself? In my last few minutes awake each night I'm always revisiting all the things I've done wrong lately, especially that day (being lazy, not studying enough, eating too much, not treating people properly, etc.) It's so easy for me to focus on all of my shortcomings. And yet, I haven't made much progress in changing who I am now into the person I'd like to become. Which, ironically, makes me hate myself even more. Ha. I'm not sure there's a solution to this, except to slap myself into reality and work really hard at fixing the things I don't like about myself. The biggest thing being my spiritual life, which seems to have come to a screeching halt. It's not going backwards, per say, but it's not improving either. But I did have a few things catch my attention at Elevate tonight. The topic was the Will of God. I realized how fake I am in my Christianity, and how if I would actually strive to live like Jesus things would be much different. There's some verse that talks about how when you live according to God's will, blessings will follow. Pastor Tony made a point about how when you're living correctly blessings are supposed to chase you, not the other way around. Once I can align my life with what God has planned for me, good things will come, of this I'm sure. It's just a LOT harder than it sounds. Grrrrr.
I always try to write these blogs too late at night when I can barely stay awake anymore. But it's the time when the most thoughts are racing through my head and I'm doing a mental recap of my day anyways, so I might as well get it out on here. But now it's bedtime. So, goodnight everyone, sweet dreams.
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