external hard drive

Using this as my "external hard drive" so I can make room for cramming P'col in for my test tomorrow! Time to empty some thoughts...

*First test of the semester tomorrow...blah. I'm anxious and not feeling prepared yet. My fault for not developing good study habits, no matter how many times I say "this semester will be different"....

*I'm super excited to go home this weekend!!!! I miss home. And I miss having a schedule that allows me to go home more often without feeling guilty about taking time away from studying. But I get to see the fam (yes, the whole fam, even Chrissy!), and we'll probably do bday stuff for my mom. And our pastor that left the church about 6 years ago is filling in on Sunday. He's always been my favorite, so I'm really excited so see him and his cute little wife!

*I learned to knit last weekend, and I'm almost done with my very first scarf! Yay me! Knitting is way more fun than I thought it would be. Seriously. Especially for someone like me who needs to be doing something with her hands while watching TV or movies. Plus it's perfect timing to give my very first scarf to Mom for her bday present! Just gotta put some shiny beads on it....I got my love of shiny objects from her, no lie....

*I've been doing very well lately being single. Truthfully, I've barely thought anything about it with all of the pharmacy craziness going on. But I'm feeling stupid today because I'm excited that this guy I used to have a minor crush on really wants me to come to his Super Bowl party. Grr, I hate it when these feelings come up and there's no basis for them except for the fact that he's cute and I'm ridiculous. I've been doing so well with not wasting my time thinking about such things, but it feels so good to have a crush! Oh well. Maybe it'll wear off soon. lol.

*So, I think if I get a boy kitten for my apartment next year, I'm going to name him Jasper! See, the plan all along has been to name it after a drug, specifically an anti-depressant because that's the effect animals have on me. BUT, all my fellow Twilight addicts know that Jasper can change peoples' moods even better than drugs! lol. So yep, we're aiming for a boy kitty. We'll see. Hehe.

*I play tennis regularly now, every Tuesday night for an hour, and I feel pretty good about myself. It's been extra hard for me to motivate myself to drive to the gym since I'm always mentally exhausted from classes, and I feel like even going to the gym cuts out a huge chunk of study time. But this has been really aerobic and FUN! I forgot how much I love tennis, and it's awesome that Ash and I are pretty evenly-matched, so we've both been working on getting our high school skills back. lol.

*I started reading this book called "The Rest of God" by Mark Buchanan. It's about learning to appreciate rest and honor the idea of the Sabbath, and also about how quiet times help you seek the rest of God that you've been missing out on when life gets crazy. I'm only through the first chapter, but it's already testing me spiritually because the first chapter is about learning to love work before being able to rest from it. I need to appreciate the opportunity God's given me to be in Pharmacy school and to learn all of these things that I can use to help other people. It's hard because I just go around with a hateful attitude towards it, but really it's something that I'm privileged to be a part of, and if I keep up a good attitude it'll make learning more fun and my stuyding more productive. Wish me luck!

Ok, I think it's all out now. Back to the exciting world of Pharmacology!

only one can understand

Well, today I'm on the losing side of my ever-present battle. Sometimes I do well with fighting to stay happy. Some days it's easier to be thankful and pleasant and patient and hopeful. Today is not one of those days. I'm freezing and anxious and depressed and frustrated. And the suckiest part is that I feel like I know the reasons behind my unhappiness but can't find the motivation or the way to fix them. Well, ideally I'd be relying on God to help me, but my faith is so weak right now that I keep trying to turn things around on my own, which has never worked out for me before so I don't know why I keep repeating that mistake. I frustrate myself to no end. And pharmacy school is a beast, and only getting harder by the hour. And I'm eternally behind as far as studying goes. Grrr! Life just gets harder because I'm so apathetic. I know that if I really got my spiritual life back on track things would be easier. So I guess that's my goal. And while I'm working on that, my secondary goal is to just not freak out about things that I can't fix, or that can't be changed right this instant. I'm also sad because it was brought to my attention today that it's my last semester on campus. I had forgotten. Not that I'm not excited to be out of dinky Big Rapids, but nothing will be the same after this semester and I'm upset and anxious about so many changes looming in the near future. And without my support system of friends here in town and on campus I'm not sure how my depression is going to fare. I just have to drill it into my tiny brain that God is in control of my life and has plans for me. He's always there even when I don't acknowledge him, and nothing I do can change the way he loves me.

"No One Else Knows" ~Building 429
My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand
The emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

time flies...

...when you're having...fun?

It's only the second week of school and I'm already super busy! Still trying to develop an efficient routine for the semester, but it's definitely feeling like I'm back in the groove as far as classes and BR social events go.

The pharmacy stuff still isn't too scary so far. I just got my Chemo book in the mail today (finally!), so I'm feeling less anxious now that I can delve into some hardcore reading. I hate feeling behind, especially this early in the game. And I'm caught up on recopying notes, which didn't happen last week. Sorry this stuff sounds so boring. It's just a big deal because I'm trying to focus on the things I do well school-wise, and not just being all stressed out and anxious because other people seem more studious than I do.

I've been trying to get more involved with pharmacy-related (yet not class/studying-related) activities. I'm doing 4 hours of volunteer work selling clothing for ASHP's fundraiser. And I'm heading up the volunteering for the Christian Pharmacists Fellowship that was just started this semester. I'm trying to be a little more proactive with my life. I tend to be one of those people who goes to meetings and then claims I belong to something. So yeah, working on it.

It's definitely great being back with my friends. Even though the drama has already started up again (not bad drama, per say, just normal drama. lol), it's still fun to be around people who can take my mind off studying and who make me feel worthy/wanted.

Going home tends to make me slightly more anxious than relaxed this year, but I'm still really excited to head back next weekend to hear my old pastor preaching. He left the church in 2003 (I think) cuz he got really sick. He's always been my favorite; nobody we've had since has had that same gentle, kind-hearted, grandfather-like spirit about them. So yeah, he's filling in on Feb. 1st and it'll be so awesome to hear him and see his sweet little wife again. Yay! Extra bonus: it's Mom's birthday that week so I get to celebrate with her while I'm home! Yep, should be a good weekend.....as long as I can temporarily forget that Kreuger's Med Chem exam is that Wednesday.....[shudder].....

p.s. I'm taking a poll! I need help naming the kitty that I don't have yet. lol. I'm gonna adopt a kitten from a shelter to live with me in my Kzoo apartment next year. I need some boy names and some girl names, so help me out if you can! Gracias :o)

girl talk

There was definitely a LOT of girl talk that went down tonight - craziness!! It's amazing all of the things that happen in my friends' lives that I'm not even aware of. Despite everything they've experienced, they seem to take it all in stride and realize how God has fit it into His plan for their lives. I'm definitely impressed by that because sometimes I'm not so level-headed - sometimes it's easy for me to just use "that must have been part of God's plan" as a reasoning behind things. But anyways, I admire the way my friends have grown in their faith during the time I've known them, and also how they've developed over the years into such strong women character-wise. It just makes me hope that my friends have the same confidence in me as I do in them. It's definitely always been on of my weaknesses that I'm not able to praise myself for any good qualities because all I see are the flaws. Not necessarily in the sense of seeing physical flaws when I look in a mirror (although that's always an issue in the back of my mind), but it's more about realizing how far I am from being the person I wish I was. I don't usually remember that I should look at myself how God looks at me - as an inevitably flawed human who is still beautiful in His sight - because even though I know this to be true in His eyes, I can't see it from my perspective. I've never had this thought before, but I guess I must not think of myself as worthy of any sort of praise. I don't necessarily have a hard time taking compliments, I just don't believe them 100% when they're given. Grrr, this is kinda getting off track from what I was planning on writing, but I'm just typing things as they go through my head, sorry. So anyways, the connection to tonight was that these girls amaze me with the way they handle things, especially boy situations, and I hope that people sometimes look up to me too. Not that I'm fishing for compliments, but maybe I need to hear more often that I have good qualities. Maybe I just get caught up in the tangled web of negative thoughts that I've woven inside my head, and it's never balanced out by positive thoughts from others. Maybe that's why I go home so often because I know I'll get that from my mom. Maybe that's why I'm so pathetically jealous of any romatic situations or relationships my friends are involved in, because then it's evident that the guy sees great things in them that maybe they aren't able to see themselves, and they get the positive feedback that I'm longing for. But then again.....I obviously shouldn't rely on others to build up my self-image. That's just stupid. I know I have good qualities, so maybe it's really more about being desired and worthy rather than just getting positive feedback. I want to be pursued. It continues to be a struggle to watch it happen all around me. Whatever, time to stop complaining. This post is quite the jumble of thoughts. Sorry 'bout that. But the whole purpose of this blog is to get things out of my head, so there it was. Time to get off here now so I can rest up for my day full of studying. Joy.

*SIDE NOTE: I just re-read this post (tuesday 12:02am) and had to make some interesting grammar edits. Things turn out weird when I blog half-asleep. :oP

good to be back

Well, so far the semester is off to a good start! It's soooooo much fun to be back with my goofy school friends. They're ridiculous, and I missed it over break. I love being back into the routine of knowing exactly when I'll see people, and I'm definitely loving all the college groups starting back up again (Real Life, Supper Club, Life Force, etc) and the new group (Christian Pharmacists Fellowship) that just started out with a great first meeting on Thursday. Without these groups I would be lost and probably very, very depressed. The hugs and laughter are essential when I'm barely keeping my head above water in the pharmacy program. So yeah, if you're reading this and you're one of these people....thanks for making Big Rapids a lot less depressing! lol.

The school part is also off to a relatively good start. (Although I can't help feeling behind already...but that's just typical me. I need to learn to be happy with myself for the stuff that I do accomplish). Anywho, it's definitely a blessing that I was able to stick it out this summer because now I only have 12 credits and I'm 2 classes lighter than everyone else! Now I have no excuse not to find time to study, so I'll definitely be praying for diligence when it comes to pharmacy type things. I have a feeling Chemo isn't going to terrify me until after the first test. Right now the only real problem I have with it is that Kreuger goes too fast for me to write everything down, so re-listening to lectures is going to be critical with this class. And reading the textbook will be both essential and difficult as well. A huge test for my attention span, no doubt. Wish me luck! lol. And Med Chem and P'col are pretty much exactly the same as last semester - almost all of the same profs, and the 2 classes line up almost exactly with the subject material - so that's gonna be manageable I think. And lab is lab. Blah. Whatever.

So yep, this semester will throw me just about the exact same challenges as last semester with the addition of Chemo to terrify me. But I'm ready to face it head on because I know I have no choice but to keep on top of things so I don't fail the class. Just gotta get 'er done. Yep. And I'm looking forward to more crazy/awkward/strange/exciting/dramatic/memorable adventures with my friends!

couch potato update

Wow, Christmas break is 2/3 over! I can't believe it! So I thought I'd update you all on what I've been up to.



First of all, Christmas definitely lacked the childhood wonder, but it was still very relaxing and it automatically makes me happy to see Christmas lights up everywhere. So it was still fun overall. And I'm writing this blog from my new laptop!!!!! I got the Dell one I wanted w/ the drug design on it - I'm such a pharmacy geek! lol.



Secondly, I turned 22! Yay! It was a pretty fun birthday because I kept busy. I went to Uno's in Bay City w/ the fam for dinner, which is one of my favorite restaurants. Then we did presents, and I got the expensive Coach watch I'd been looking at!!! I can't believe my parents spent that much money!!! But it was my only present besides the $25 Zune money Chrissy got me. I'm excited though cuz I haven't had a good watch in a very long time, and it's a beautiful one. We also had gourmet cupcakes instead of a birthday cake, and I got to pick a bunch of different flavors. We ate them and had family bonding time while watching Big Bang Theory - it's frickin' hilarious!!! Love that show. Then I got to hang out with friends for awhile, which is always fun since we're hardly ever home at the same time.



And now my parents & Chrissy & her bff are in Florida without me. Sad. Well, can't complain cuz I chose not to go. It's really not my idea of fun - I don't like tanning, I hate swimming, I can only shop for a few hours before I get bored, our family can't be together that long without bickering a little (and tension is the last thing I need on my break) - so yeah, it's not too bad having the house to myself, but I do miss them.


p.s. The Jonas Brothers have a new TV show coming out soon and a 3D movie in February!!! JoBros fan 4 life! lol.
...grr, now my cat is trying to sit on my new laptop....



Anywho, break is fun and I'm not quite ready to go back to school even though I miss my BR friends a lot.