girl talk

There was definitely a LOT of girl talk that went down tonight - craziness!! It's amazing all of the things that happen in my friends' lives that I'm not even aware of. Despite everything they've experienced, they seem to take it all in stride and realize how God has fit it into His plan for their lives. I'm definitely impressed by that because sometimes I'm not so level-headed - sometimes it's easy for me to just use "that must have been part of God's plan" as a reasoning behind things. But anyways, I admire the way my friends have grown in their faith during the time I've known them, and also how they've developed over the years into such strong women character-wise. It just makes me hope that my friends have the same confidence in me as I do in them. It's definitely always been on of my weaknesses that I'm not able to praise myself for any good qualities because all I see are the flaws. Not necessarily in the sense of seeing physical flaws when I look in a mirror (although that's always an issue in the back of my mind), but it's more about realizing how far I am from being the person I wish I was. I don't usually remember that I should look at myself how God looks at me - as an inevitably flawed human who is still beautiful in His sight - because even though I know this to be true in His eyes, I can't see it from my perspective. I've never had this thought before, but I guess I must not think of myself as worthy of any sort of praise. I don't necessarily have a hard time taking compliments, I just don't believe them 100% when they're given. Grrr, this is kinda getting off track from what I was planning on writing, but I'm just typing things as they go through my head, sorry. So anyways, the connection to tonight was that these girls amaze me with the way they handle things, especially boy situations, and I hope that people sometimes look up to me too. Not that I'm fishing for compliments, but maybe I need to hear more often that I have good qualities. Maybe I just get caught up in the tangled web of negative thoughts that I've woven inside my head, and it's never balanced out by positive thoughts from others. Maybe that's why I go home so often because I know I'll get that from my mom. Maybe that's why I'm so pathetically jealous of any romatic situations or relationships my friends are involved in, because then it's evident that the guy sees great things in them that maybe they aren't able to see themselves, and they get the positive feedback that I'm longing for. But then again.....I obviously shouldn't rely on others to build up my self-image. That's just stupid. I know I have good qualities, so maybe it's really more about being desired and worthy rather than just getting positive feedback. I want to be pursued. It continues to be a struggle to watch it happen all around me. Whatever, time to stop complaining. This post is quite the jumble of thoughts. Sorry 'bout that. But the whole purpose of this blog is to get things out of my head, so there it was. Time to get off here now so I can rest up for my day full of studying. Joy.

*SIDE NOTE: I just re-read this post (tuesday 12:02am) and had to make some interesting grammar edits. Things turn out weird when I blog half-asleep. :oP