always good for a laugh

Another hilarious video brought to you courtesy of the Jonas Brothers! This is their MySpace Artist on Artist interview where they asked each other random questions. It made my morning, I love it!

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=22191827&blogId=473147688

rest in peace

Haha, no, not like that! Nobody died! lol. I just chose that title because lately God's been so awesome about giving me both peace and rest. It's ironic though, cuz pharm school is about to kill me! But anywho, I've been reading "The Rest of God" by Mark Buchanan (awesome book, btw, read it!) and it's about the two different meanings of the word 'rest' - physical rest that is a break from everyday craziness, and also about finding the rest of God that you're missing when you scurry around during the week. I took about a 3-hour break from studying today (which I wouldn't normally do 2 days before a Chemo test) and I just felt so refreshed. Even Ashley noticed I was unusually calm for a test week. Yep, humans are definitely not meant to run like Energizer bunnies. And also, it's been significantly easier lately to think about how God would want me to treat certain situations, and it's also been easier to incorporate Him into my daily life and watch for His influence throughout the day. This is something I often forget, but I always feel so much peace when I'm right with God (or at least on my way to being right with Him). When I turn things around and get my priorities in order it's so much easier to organize my life, accomplish what needs to be done, and maintain a non-depressed attitude through it all. So that's where my peace has been found lately. Bottom line - God is good! ♥

♥ favorite quote: "Sabbath is not the break we're allotted at the tail end of completing all our tasks and chores, the fulfillment of all our obligations. It's the rest we take smack-dab in the middle of them, without apology, without guilt, and for no better reason than God told us we could."

Med Term Concerto

New YouTube link! Evidently the P1's got to watch this in their Integrated Lab, although I never saw it last year. It's hilarious! Just making a joke out of the fact that medical students of any kind get to use ridiculous words/phrases/acronyms to describe everything. Check it out! :o)

fam[ily]

I've been hearing a few of my friends open up lately about how messed up their families are, which is so sad. And as ridiculous as this is, I almost feel guilty for having an amazing family when these people can't! I know, it's silly, it's just hard to see other people hurting when I have absolutely no clue what they've been through. I feel so spoiled sometimes even though I know I haven't been taking it for granted. I love my family and tell them so all the time, and I really appreciate everything my parents do to make my life easier, especially right now as far as finances go (tuition, car insurance, phone bills, housing, etc.). I hate it when people make me feel bad about being so lucky - I'm truly a privileged girl, but I've never taken it for granted. If I was being ungrateful about it and flaunting it in front of others, then there'd be a reason to smack me upside the head. But I've never thought that this is just how it's supposed to be, or like they owe me this great life. I'm aware of how good I have it and I thank God for giving me the life that I did nothing to deserve. When people open up I feel like I should offer up some encouraging words, but I don't know what to say. I have no problem just sitting and listening, but you just never know what people are expecting from you when they open up about something so important. So I kinda sit there in silence and let them ponder whatever thoughts are running through their head. Whatever, I try to be helpful if I can, but I'm never sure if it's really as easy as just sitting and listening. Well, I started a draft email to my parents telling them how much I love and appreciate them, so maybe I'll finish that up today. lol. Ok, time to go get ready for church. El fin.

♥ love my family ♥

i love Laminin!!!

Still can't figure out how to get a video into an actual blog post, but I just added a video to my YouTube links section. WATCH IT!!!! Seriously, it's so amazing. It's a talk that a man named Louie Giglio gave at a Chris Tomlin concert during the "How Great Is Our God" tour. We just watched it at my Christian Pharmacists Fellowship meeting today, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Just about how God is so much bigger than we can ever realize, and how each one of us is created by Him as a miracle. This is a clip from the coolest part where he talks about a certain protein in the human body, called Laminin, that binds all of our cells together......it's shaped exactly like the cross! So it's freaking amazing how God is inside of us holding us all together through every single experience in life, and he left us a little reminder in a cross-shaped protein! lol. LOVE IT!!! So yeah, watch it, right now! I put a couple pictures of Laminin below, and also a picture that the Hubble satellite took of the inside of a black hole....see how nifty!?!?!!!!

"being humbled" is not the same as "being humble"

Well, where to start....first of all, I got a nap today! For the first time in forever! lol. I definitely think more clearly when I'm not angry and depressed and exhausted. But there are still things going on right now that make me sad. School is the biggest one, by far. I'm still terrified of remediating. It's a real possibility and I just can't understand how I've gotten so far into the program if I'm failing everything right now. I've failed 2 of my first 3 tests of the semester. I can't tell quite yet how badly that will affect me, but failing is obviously never good. The thing about the program is that my cumulative GPA just needs to stay above a 2.0, so depending on how this semester's GPA figures in, I might just make it. But in order to keep from dropping down too far I can't just aim for barely passing classes. I need to do well. But right now the only people who are doing well are the ones who can actually afford to fail everything cuz their GPA's are that awesome! Grrr, I hate them. So yeah, it's becoming continually harder for me to keep from spiraling down into full depression each time I get an exam back.

Secondly, my spiritual life is a wreck, as per usual. And it's sad that this is "the usual" for me. So sad. It really hit me this past Sunday because it was one of those messages that seemed to be tailored just for me. The title of the sermon was "Am I Humble?" - the bottom line was about being humble enough to welcome God, who is looking at my heart for a heart of worship that is set to seek Him. One of Pastor Gary's points that stood out to me was about being "humble" as opposed to being "humbled", and I definitely see the difference now. I've been the latter, always chugging along on my own until something terrible happens, and then I'm humbled by God's reprimands in my life. I need to stop being humbled over and over again, and the way to do that is to welcome Him fully into my life and to stop trying to take the reigns away. The second thing that really hit me was Pastor Gary's explanation of the phrase "a heart that is set to seek Him." He put it in these words, saying that an "unset heart rides the tides of consequences", which translates into the fact that by basing my mood & actions on the situations of each day I just end up being a rollercoaster. And I'm pretty much the scariest rollercoaster of a person that ever existed! I hate it, but I've never felt like I could do much about it. And of course it's always been easier to blame it on other things - school, clinical depression, etc. But really there's just me and my unset heart to blame. I tend to get angry at the type of people who seem like they're always happy all the time, no matter what happens, but I realize now that it's not simply having a better spiritual life than mine, it's the fact that they're so set on seeking God that they aren't phased by daily trials & tribulations like I am. I wish I could be more like that, so now is the time to start figuring it all out. I have a lot of control issues in my spiritual life, and a lot of trying to hide even though I know God sees everything that's going on inside of me. *sigh* Even though I just wrote this all out and it seems like I've got a handle on my situation and what needs to be done, I'm still as confused as ever about where to start.

And as far as my depression goes, it's still been as much of a struggle as ever. Still shutting people out during the times when I should be opening up the most. Still letting the small things get inside my head and turn my heart to stone. But I'm going to make an appointment with my mom's shrink, which should help. And I guess I'll need to stop feeling like I dump problems on people, cuz I need to talk about things instead of holding them in. Yep, still a work in progress, but at least there has been some actual progression I think.

Ok, that's all for now. Time to put my study cap on and get to work. Lots to do if I'm gonna survive the week.

happy hearts day!

Hey girls, just wanted to say Happy Valentine's Day! It's sad that I won't be able to see any of you in person for awhile, but I still miss you and love you tons. Thanks for always being there for me, even when we're far apart. ♥

i'm such a tween sometimes!

THIS IS TOO FUNNY! Yeah, I love the Jo Bros, they're pretty much amazing...and hilarious...and talented...and scandal-free (thank God). This list may not be funny to you if you don't know anything about the brothers, but they're so goofy and this made me giggle. :o) (p.s. if you wanna see them being silly, def look them up on YouTube, they make awesome videos when they're bored!)

The full list of the Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Jonas Brothers:

10. Nick: "Our new 3D concert film puts you right in the middle of a six-hour tour bus ride from Pittsburgh to Albany."

9. Joe: "Often we are astonished by how adorable we are."

8. Kevin: "Sometimes we lather, rinse, repeat and then repeat again!"

7. Nick: "Last Sunday night, I won a Grammy for 'Best New Jonas.'"

6. Joe: "Osama said he'd come out of hiding if we'd meet his 15-year-old niece."

5. Kevin: "One time when we were on the road, things got really crazy and we stayed up until 10:30."

4. Nick: "We've seen 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' 27 times."

3. Joe: "Once a week we get mail for Dr. Joyce Brothers."

2. Kevin: "We have no idea who that old dude behind the desk is."

1. Nick, Joe and Kevin: "A couple years back, Angelina Jolie tried to adopt us."

weird...

It's so weird when things just hit you out of nowhere, like you all of a sudden understand something that's pretty ordinary and didn't seem to apply to you. Well, my current whack upside the head comes from the phrase you read a lot about where people "have trouble opening up" to other people. I was just thinking about it the other day and suddenly realized that I kinda have this problem even though I've always looked at it as a foreign concept. I guess I equated "emotional" with "open". Not the case! I'm definitely full of emotions (so much so that I should probably be drugged up and seeing a shrink by now), but I have become more and more of an internalizer. When I get really upset I tend to just hold everything in and hide from the world. Since I have a terrible time expressing feelings with words I just figure it'd be easier not to explain myself to other people. Hence the blog, where I can write & rewrite my thoughts without having to stumble over things and start crying. I'm realizing that holding things in has become a definite problem. I already have a lot of things internalized because I'm a "listener" - I love to just be there for other people by listening, even when I can't help or offer any useful advice. But the problem is that I take all of that and store it inside (cuz I obviously can't let it out elsewhere or I'd be gossiping), which can leave very little space after awhile for my own problems! However, it definitely bugs me that my problems are all stupid little emotional things, not anything huge like being homeless or broke or in a messed-up family.....I feel like I have absolutely no right to complain or even to vent! My life is awesome compared to most, but my emotions/depression gets in the way of enjoying a lot of it. So yeah, I hold things in because it makes more sense to me than dumping stupid things on other people. I'd rather not add to anyone else's emotional state when I don't have to. But this vessel called Katie can't hold as much as I used to think it could. Yep, I'm starting to think even more seriously about getting counseling. "Starting to" being the key words. I'm not thoroughly convinced yet. But it's definitely becoming a more appealing option these days. We'll see, maybe I'll make a pro/con list (haha, lists, a very Katie thing to do) when I have time to rest my brain this weekend. For now, back to Med Chem quizzing! Must practice up for my beast-of-a-test tomorrow! Adios.

fyi

Just updated my YouTube link section!

*added: 2 Whose Line clips (hilarious!) and kid playing Nintendo theme songs on the piano (way cool!)

*removed: JB music videos that nobody else but me will actually watch....lol.

Enjoy ♥ :o)

can't catch a break

~ Life is soooooo busy! I don't like it. Even though my class load is lighter, I've managed to fill what would be great chunks of study time with random meetings and catching up with people. I've never done well with small intervals of studying, and it's already showing in this first round of testing. Well, Pharmacology went ok (88), but Chemo was ridiculous and I know it went terribly wrong even though I didn't get the test back yet. But that was a hard one for everybody. And Med Chem is on Friday, and I'm waaaaaaaay behind on that one, for sure. I have this terrible combo of depression & ADD that just makes my life suck really bad.....who wants to switch personalities with me? Anyone...?

~ Riley went to the vet cuz he was limping, but I think he'll be ok now. They just gave him a shot of Cortisone in his shoulder and said he'd be fine. My poor baby, I miss him. Plus animals are so comforting to me, and these fish are just not doing the trick.

~ I'm kinda excited to be going to the Michigan Pharmacists Association convention in a couple weeks! It'll be interesting to finally do something pharmacy-related that doesn't involve going to class. I need to see more of what's out there in the profession, because the academic part just makes me want to shoot my brains out. There will be continuing education presentations that I just get to sit and listen to (and not take notes/tests on!!!), and there will be social stuff for the different schools of pharmacy, and really nice meals! And time to bond with some classmates that I don't know very well. So yeah, should be a good time.

~ This whole 1 test per week thing is good and bad. Good because then it gives a certain focus each week and I don't feel like I'm sacrificing study time for one test in order to study for the second. But it's bad because then every weekend is catch-up and get started on the next test's studying. Not enough time to completely relax, and definitely not enough time to go home, and I really miss home.

~ Speaking of busy weekends, this one will be crazy! MJ is coming to visit on Friday and I'm super excited cuz I haven't seen her in awhile. Hopefully I can keep her entertained in this dinky town of Big Rapids. We'll see. lol. And I have a bunch of non-Valentine's type plans with the girls to keep me occupied on Saturday. I'm just worried, once again, about study time. Story of my life.

~ I need professional help. No lie. But I've been so good at avoiding it so far. And even though I'm a pharm student, I'm terrified of the prospect of being on a drug for the rest of my life. Not cool with me. At all. I've always wanted to be able to fix it myself, and I've also prayed about it (but rarely, so I guess I could improve there too).....so I guess being drugged hasn't been an appealing option. But I should really go to the Counseling Center. Maybe. But I don't wanna, especially when ppl keep trying to talk me into it. Grrr, I dunno. Maybe I'll think more about it when I actually have the time.

Sleep now. Must study hardcore tomorrow. Buh bye.

READ THIS!

This was brought to my attention by a classmate in our newly-founded Christian Pharmacists Fellowship:

If you are not familiar with FOCA, it is the Freedom of Choice Act - President Obama has promised to pass this bill and Congress is likely to take it up. If you aren't familiar with it check out Liberty Counsel at lc.org to get more details. January 23rd marked the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade and to "honor" that President Obama signed an executive order rescinding the "Mexico City" policy which banned federal funding for overseas abortion. FOCA would overturn every state law putting any restriction on abortion (parental consent, informed consent, partial birth ban, everything). For example, if informed consent were removed those who administered abortions would not be able to tell the woman anything about the procedure or the risk it has for her physically, they'd just have to do it without question. And what really concerns me as a future pharmacist is that it would deny us (health providers) the right to object to participate in the act - so essentially if I refused to dispense the abortion pill I would be fired from my job! It's ironic that the "Freedom of Choice Act" takes away my freedom to abstain from something that I believe to be disgusting, immoral, and a sin. At least the previous legal situation regarding abortion included everyone's rights - the "pro-choice"ers could choose to get abortions, and the "pro-life"ers could choose not to get involved in that process. Please, if you have any questions, go to this site:

http://www.libertyaction.org/297/petition.asp?pid=19426445

And please sign this petition!!!

"The 10 who speak up are far louder than the 10,000 who remain silent."

unfortunate frustrations

I hate it when home, the place I go to get away from frustrations, becomes the frustration. I love my family, but they're being difficult. So, half of the reason I came home this weekend was to hear my former pastor Dave Stout speaking because he was awesome and I missed him & his wife. And I thought my family would be just as excited that he was coming back. Especially Mom because she left the church due to our current pastor's incessant sports references and contemporary style. Yeah, they just didn't care. I fully understand not going to church if you get very little sleep, but as of right now they've all gone to bed in time to get a full 8 hours and still have time to get ready for 2nd service. So basically I'm surprised that they just don't want to see Pastor Stout, and it sucks that they definitely don't see how it's depressing to me that I have to go to church by myself every time. (Side note: Dad is the exception to this blog; I have no problems with him right now unless he gives his cold virus to me. Then we'd have a BIG problem. Chemo test + viral infection = EPIC FAIL!) Anywho, it's just sad that our "Christian" family doesn't even go to church together when we have the opportunity. So, even as I finish surfing the net and get ready for bed, I still haven't decided if I'm even gonna go tomorrow. Guess we'll see how I'm feeling when my alarm goes off in the morning.

Secondly, I'm frustrated with myself for hoping that Chrissy and I would get along really well this weekend. I mean, I get that we're not uber close and don't have tons of stuff in common, but it still hits me every time we see each other that our personalities are polar opposites. I don't expect us to be the kind of sisters who are best friends, but that doesn't make it suck any less when within the first 5 minutes of seeing me this weekend she already managed to hurt my feelings. I was telling her how I wanted to name my cat Jasper, like from Twilight - see previous blog for background story - and she just goes, "well, you just killed that name for me". Yeah, awesome Chris, that's a happy statement to start off our time together. She doesn't get that her words affect people, even the simple statements like that. And after living with me her whole life I guess I thought she'd learned that I'm a sensitive person and things like that rub me the wrong way. I'm not trying to turn this into a huge argument or anything, it's just a downer that I really didn't need right now.

[Yes, Chrissy, I realize you can read this blog. But I don't care because it's my place to vent my true feelings. It's better if I write it all out so it doesn't circulate in my head all night, and this way I won't take it out on you when I see you in the morning.]

Happy thoughts to end the blog:

• I'm still Riley's favorite! I love the fact that pets have no memory and just love you unconditionally every time you see them.
• Mom is in love with my Chemotherapeutics textbook and wants to read it for fun, which I find pretty darn hilarious!
• Dad gets dumb ideas when he's on cold meds - he wanted to call Chrissy last night to ask her if she was drunk yet. Good grief. lol.
• Super Bowl party tomorrow! I appreciate social events even more as the semesters go by and Pharmacy school continues to try and suck out my soul.
• I made dinner tonight and it tasted frickin' amazing! Yep, Bruschetta Chicken Bake, the recipe is on the back of the Stove Top stuffing (for chicken) box if you want it. lol. (I recommend adding cream of chicken soup & pre-cooking the chicken.)