"being humbled" is not the same as "being humble"

Well, where to start....first of all, I got a nap today! For the first time in forever! lol. I definitely think more clearly when I'm not angry and depressed and exhausted. But there are still things going on right now that make me sad. School is the biggest one, by far. I'm still terrified of remediating. It's a real possibility and I just can't understand how I've gotten so far into the program if I'm failing everything right now. I've failed 2 of my first 3 tests of the semester. I can't tell quite yet how badly that will affect me, but failing is obviously never good. The thing about the program is that my cumulative GPA just needs to stay above a 2.0, so depending on how this semester's GPA figures in, I might just make it. But in order to keep from dropping down too far I can't just aim for barely passing classes. I need to do well. But right now the only people who are doing well are the ones who can actually afford to fail everything cuz their GPA's are that awesome! Grrr, I hate them. So yeah, it's becoming continually harder for me to keep from spiraling down into full depression each time I get an exam back.

Secondly, my spiritual life is a wreck, as per usual. And it's sad that this is "the usual" for me. So sad. It really hit me this past Sunday because it was one of those messages that seemed to be tailored just for me. The title of the sermon was "Am I Humble?" - the bottom line was about being humble enough to welcome God, who is looking at my heart for a heart of worship that is set to seek Him. One of Pastor Gary's points that stood out to me was about being "humble" as opposed to being "humbled", and I definitely see the difference now. I've been the latter, always chugging along on my own until something terrible happens, and then I'm humbled by God's reprimands in my life. I need to stop being humbled over and over again, and the way to do that is to welcome Him fully into my life and to stop trying to take the reigns away. The second thing that really hit me was Pastor Gary's explanation of the phrase "a heart that is set to seek Him." He put it in these words, saying that an "unset heart rides the tides of consequences", which translates into the fact that by basing my mood & actions on the situations of each day I just end up being a rollercoaster. And I'm pretty much the scariest rollercoaster of a person that ever existed! I hate it, but I've never felt like I could do much about it. And of course it's always been easier to blame it on other things - school, clinical depression, etc. But really there's just me and my unset heart to blame. I tend to get angry at the type of people who seem like they're always happy all the time, no matter what happens, but I realize now that it's not simply having a better spiritual life than mine, it's the fact that they're so set on seeking God that they aren't phased by daily trials & tribulations like I am. I wish I could be more like that, so now is the time to start figuring it all out. I have a lot of control issues in my spiritual life, and a lot of trying to hide even though I know God sees everything that's going on inside of me. *sigh* Even though I just wrote this all out and it seems like I've got a handle on my situation and what needs to be done, I'm still as confused as ever about where to start.

And as far as my depression goes, it's still been as much of a struggle as ever. Still shutting people out during the times when I should be opening up the most. Still letting the small things get inside my head and turn my heart to stone. But I'm going to make an appointment with my mom's shrink, which should help. And I guess I'll need to stop feeling like I dump problems on people, cuz I need to talk about things instead of holding them in. Yep, still a work in progress, but at least there has been some actual progression I think.

Ok, that's all for now. Time to put my study cap on and get to work. Lots to do if I'm gonna survive the week.