in Christ alone my hope is found

God is so awesome!!!! It's unbelievable how he takes care of me when I feel like things are a complete mess. So, remember how I was saying that I might fail Med Chem? Well..... I PASSED!!!! And we even had the cutoff at 65% (instead of 60% where a D- normally ends), and I got a test average of 65.3%!!!! Totally a God thing. I mean I was FREAKING OUT during exam week, which my roommates can attest to (sorry girls!). And I studied like I hadn't studied all semester. And I prayed about it every time I started studying again after a break. So it's just a huge thrill to have such solid proof that God hears me when I'm a wreck and need him most, and he answered in just the way I needed at the time. Yay God! lol. It's still a kick in the butt though, only passing by 0.3%, and I'm sure God would like me to never forget how privileged I am to be in pharmacy school and how I should be making the most of it by studying as hard as I can.

As far as being home for break...well...I miss my BR friends!!! It's hard not having friends nearby everyday, and not knowing when I'll be able to hang out with people. At school that's not really a problem, but it's different trying to get people together here in Midland. I'm never sure what people are up to, or if they're even in town! And everyone knows I hate phones so I'm probably not going to call around and check on friends. But I gotta work on that. So yeah, besides the girls' Christmas tea on Thursday I haven't really seen anyone. And with all of the holidays and family plans stuck in between stuff I'm having a hard time figuring out when I'm going to visit people out of town. But I'm stupid for complaining, I'm on break for goodness sakes! It's a great thing when my hardest dilemma is figuring out exactly which day to hang out with friends! lol. So many good things are coming up - Christmas, Frankenmuth (probably a couple of times), IKEA, New Years, my 22nd birthday - gotta make the most of this break while I can, before the craziness of P2 2nd semester starts!

happy friends = happy me

I love it when friends have happy news! It makes me happy too! That is all.

just walk away

I'll admit it, I have a huge problem with holding onto unnecessary emotions. And it's taking a toll on me. I feel so worn out and indecisive. Sometimes it happens when I argue with people, and then I keep thinking for hours afterwards about what I should have said, how it could have gone differently, what will happen next, etc. Sometimes it happens when I'm trying to analyze how people will react to whatever decision I make next - I never want to make people mad cuz tension upsets me so much, but I never know what little things will set people off! I need to stop living my life based on how people may or may not react, it's driving me crazy! Today the clinging to emotions happened when I took my Med Chem final. I feel so defeated and like a giant failure. But there's absolutely nothing I can do about it now. It's done, I just have to wait and see how it turns out. Unfortunately, I'm pretty much incapable of walking away from a situation and saying "It's done, time to let it go." Doesn't happen. So I'm kinda still freaking out about how bad the test was, and going over in my mind what will happen if I actually fail the class. That'd be humiliating. I've never actually failed out of a class EVER. Tests, sure, but not a whole class! And then I'd have to retake it this summer, which would be both embarassing and torture b/c I already spent last summer here and it sucked. Ugh, ok, trying to refocus. I don't have time to dance these circles in my head, I still have 2 more finals to pass! Alright, back to studying.

study break

Just felt like using my study break to unload some thoughts. The IV Christmas Formal last night was awesome...I don't like to dress up all the time, but it was fun for one night! Got lots of funny pictures too --> see Facebook for details. hehe. I'm amazed today by the power of prayer. It's one thing I struggle with quite frequently - as in, I rarely remember to pray for anything, and I hate praying for myself - but today I decided to make sure I pray each time I get back into studying. And so far God's been awesome about it! I guess I always feel like He won't take my prayers seriously since I don't frequently send any His way, but that's silly cuz God cares about everything we do and desire. Within His will, of course. So anyways, I've been pretty darn focused today and I'm feeling better about Med Chem by the second. Maybe I won't fail after all! Yay! In other thoughts, the word I'd use to describe my mood in general today = wistful. "Full of wishful yearning; pensively sad; melancholy." Yeah, that's me. If you actually read this blog all the time, I bet you can guess why I'm wistful. And you'll understand this playlist that describes what I'm wishing for:

• "Believe In Me" ~Demi Lovato
• "Long Time Coming" ~Oliver James
• "You and Me" ~Lifehouse
• "When I See You Smile" ~Bad English
• "Everything" ~Michael Buble
• "Chasing Cars" ~Snow Patrol

Well anyways, just using this space to clear my head again and make it easier to cram in Pharmacy-type things. So there you have it. I apologize for my insistent blogging about my lack of a love life. Smack me upside the head when you get too sick of it, k?



*** just watched 2 Disney movies, and even they make me lonely! grrr***

cuteness!

cute boys + cute song = a whole lotta cuteness! watch it, you know you want to!

Jonas Brothers - "Girl of my Dreams"

it hurts to watch from the sidelines

Well, to start off on a happy note....I JUST SAW TWILIGHT FOR THE 3RD TIME!!! STILL AMAZING!!! lol.





Unfortunately, watching movies like this also makes me very sad. It just reminds me of the one thing I want most and can't have (yet)....♥LOVE♥. Even though Bella & Edward are fictional characters, and it's just an on-screen relationship, it's painful to sit there and watch someone else fall in love when I don't get that chance. I want to feel it so badly. More than anything. Which is why I torture myself with love stories in all forms of media - movies, music, books - because it's the most beautiful thing in this world. It's hard for me to contain tears sometimes because it hurts so badly to be alone. I want be loved and to love in return. I want a guy who will take care of me, but who also doesn't mind being cared for. I want a guy who can put a smile on my face even when it feels like my world is falling apart. I want a guy who takes me as I am - for all of my shortcomings & quirks, for all of my sins & failures, and for all of my dorkiness & tween-girl tendencies. It's almost been 22 years on this earth without that soul-mate type of love, and it gets harder each day to watch it taunting me wherever I go.

I think , well actually I know, that this is one area in my life that I pretend I've given over to God...but I really haven't. The only thing that I can say with complete honesty is that I definitely wouldn't want to date anyone but "the one" that God has created to be my perfect match. I will not settle for less. BUT, I'm in a constant battle with the fact that I'm still single. I'm miserable about it, and I'm not gonna lie, it SUCKS having to wait for God's perfect timing. It's beyond frustrating and I'm not okay with just sitting here complacently until love comes along. But I guess I don't have another choice, do I? So here I sit. Resentful. Unhappy. Lonely. Weary. *sigh* Here I go again, blabbing on and on about something I can't control. It just brings tears to my eyes if I think about it too much. I'd better shut myself up now that I've been able to write some of it out.

Blog comments are always appreciated, but perhaps not in this case if they involve any of the following phrases:

• "it's worth waiting for"
• "he's out there somewhere"
• "you'll just know when you find it"
• "just be patient"
• "good things come to those who wait"

DUH! I already know these things, and it only makes the waiting process more painful, thank you very much.

....haha, I just remembered that someone told me last week that I seem like the independent type....that's hilarious....

emo randomness!

Haha, found this as a link in an article off Yahoo news....

http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/786/

....it's an Emo Band Name generator! lol.

Mine would be:
Katie ~ Not Quite Tantric Valentine
or
Katharine ~ Some Kind of Tantric Valentine

:oP

how it always ends up

Why do I lay in bed at the end of every day and just end up hating myself? In my last few minutes awake each night I'm always revisiting all the things I've done wrong lately, especially that day (being lazy, not studying enough, eating too much, not treating people properly, etc.) It's so easy for me to focus on all of my shortcomings. And yet, I haven't made much progress in changing who I am now into the person I'd like to become. Which, ironically, makes me hate myself even more. Ha. I'm not sure there's a solution to this, except to slap myself into reality and work really hard at fixing the things I don't like about myself. The biggest thing being my spiritual life, which seems to have come to a screeching halt. It's not going backwards, per say, but it's not improving either. But I did have a few things catch my attention at Elevate tonight. The topic was the Will of God. I realized how fake I am in my Christianity, and how if I would actually strive to live like Jesus things would be much different. There's some verse that talks about how when you live according to God's will, blessings will follow. Pastor Tony made a point about how when you're living correctly blessings are supposed to chase you, not the other way around. Once I can align my life with what God has planned for me, good things will come, of this I'm sure. It's just a LOT harder than it sounds. Grrrrr.

I always try to write these blogs too late at night when I can barely stay awake anymore. But it's the time when the most thoughts are racing through my head and I'm doing a mental recap of my day anyways, so I might as well get it out on here. But now it's bedtime. So, goodnight everyone, sweet dreams.

weekend wrap-up

Well, Thanksgiving weekend has come and gone. Can't decide if I'm grateful for the break, or if I'm mad cuz it made it even harder to survive the 3 weeks til Christmas break! Now I know what I can't have just yet. lol. Here's a little recap of my weekend:

* Got to see some friends I haven't seen in awhile, which is fun. It's weird though, because we've all changed so much since high school. I'm not sure what they're really like anymore on a daily basis. And there are some people I've just grown apart from. *sigh* I never used to understand that phrase - "we've grown apart" - until recently. I can see how people have changed, but I usually don't think about how I've changed too, how I've developed even more as an individual in my likes/dislikes and my personality. So now there are certain people I just don't click with anymore. It sucks because we once had so much in common, and now it's just kinda awkward and not working out. Oh well, I guess the good part is that growing apart from old friends makes more room for the new ones.

* Basically my parents still treat me like I'm 10 years old. Yep. Not sure I wanna live at home during my rotations anymore. It might not be such a good idea.

* Thanksgiving as a holiday is not all it's cracked up to be when you don't actually have more than your immediate family to spend it with. I'm sad that all of my relatives live so far away, because that's who I'd really like to be with on Thanksgiving, not just the people I see all the time and some family friends around the corner.

* On a happy note: I'm a double bridesmaid!!! Yay!!! I'm gonna be a busy girl this summer. lol. I'm really excited though, for both weddings. :oD Here are pics of the two dresses I get to wear.

<---for Sarah's wedding
<---for Rebekah's wedding (except the bow is orange)


* AND I got my hair chopped off on Friday!!!!! It's so weird, I've never had it this short in my life, but I LOVE it!!!!!! hehe




Ok, that's about all my news from this weekend. I'll write back later when I'm completely freaking out about exams/finals. :oP

a song to voice my heart's desire

I just got back from Elevate (one of the student ministry groups I go to) and during worship they played a song that really hit home with me tonight. Funny thing is, it's one of their favorite songs so they play it at almost every meeting. I guess the words really sunk in this time because having a break from tests makes me more relaxed and receptive to God. I had a blast letting go and really getting into worship tonight because it was so easy to clear my mind. Anywho, here's what the song says:


I'm in a fight not physical
I'm in a war, but not with this world
You are the light that's beautiful
I want more, I want all that's yours

A joy unspeakable that won't go away
And just enough strength to live for today
So I'll never have to worry what tomorrow will bring
Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God


The last line is the hardest part to follow, yet that's what I need to strive for the most. It was amazing singing it during worship because I was in the right state of mind, but most of the time I'm so much of a mess that I'm the easiest person to turn away from God. I let all the little things get to me too easily. And when big things come along I get so wrapped up in trying to fix things myself that I completely forget that God is the one who's in control. He's got it covered, so what am I worrying for? I need to count on Him with all my strength, even when it's so hard to let go of control.

Another fault that I have is asking other people to pray for me, and then never actually praying about things myself. I totally believe in the power of prayer, I've just never gotten into the habit of praying to God on a regular basis, either in praise or when I need help. So friends, thanks for any prayers you've sent up on my behalf. Now it's time for me to try it out more often for myself. Wish me luck!

recent trials & tribulations

*sigh* Still having a hard time letting go of all the little bad things in my life that get me down. It's still the same old combo of things (sucky grades, lacking love, self-hatred, etc.), but to add to that I thought I'd found the perfect way to make some money next semester, and it fell through. So, there's a greenhouse on the end of the pharmacy building where they grow medicinal plants and harvest them so they can be used in labs and such. Well, on our online Pharmacy discussion board some guy posted about his current part-time position there becoming available next semester. It sounded so perfect because first of all I'll actually have time to work if I get a job. I only have 3 classes and 1 lab, which aren't easy by any means, but it leaves me room to get other things done too. And also, since it's a greenhouse/gardening job it combines my only previous work experience (The Dow Gardens) with my major! So yep, it sounded perfect. But it was filled only TWO FREAKING HOURS after the post was made!!!!!! I was pretty ticked off when some P1 girl told me that. Damn. It really would have been great. I feel like such a freaking bum b/c I don't pay for anything right now. I know I'm super privileged and lucky to have parents who are able to pay for my schooling and housing and food and such, but I'm 21 for goodness sakes! I should be making money! It's just frustrating b/c I know what it feels like to be making money, and now I can't have that. And I don't want to mooch off my parents all the time, it sucks big time. So anywho, bottom line is that my perfect job was snatched right out from under me. Grrrr.

Other issue = depression. I think I might actually call the Counseling Center soon. It's probably about that time. If I truly am depressed (which I don't doubt, but technically I've never been diagnosed), then I have an imbalance of neurotransmitters in my brain and it's not just some emotional thing that I can fix by myself. Believe me, I've tried. And I'd rather just deal with it myself than get other people, or medication, involved. But I can't fix it. I'll admit it. So maybe I should just get an appointment and see if it's worth looking into further treatment. I even drive myself crazy with my mood swings these days - I'm surprised that I still have friends b/c people should be sick of me by now! I'm ridiculous sometimes, and I hate it when I can go from perfectly fine one minute, to depressed/anxious/lonely/tired the next. And then there's the fact that when I'm in one of my moods, nothing is going to fix it. Food won't fix it, alone time won't fix it, sleeping won't fix it...and the last 2 things on my mind during episodes would be talking to someone about it or praying. Just not gonna happen when I'm in my downward spiral. And I don't think most people understand what I'm going through. To non-sufferers depression just looks like people are sad and can't get over it. Not the case by any means. It's truly a terrible place to be stuck in all the negative thoughts that are swirling around your mind, and not being able to get out or to be pulled out by anyone else. That's how it feels, whether you believe it or not. So yeah, this might be my time to get some actual help for it before it gets worse. We'll see.

Well, I'm sure there's more I could get off my chest right now...if I wasn't about to pass out from exhaustion. It's been a busy weekend. Ok, off to bed, hopefully waking up in a good mood b/c it's a short week and I get to go home soon!!!! Nite all.

check these things out!!!

Haha, so I found a new favorite animal!!! I know, I'm weird, oh well. (My old favorite animal used to be the wombat, btw). Anywho, every time I log out of my Yahoo email account it takes me to the Yahoo news page. So of course I'm reading along and I come across an article about how an animal was thought to be extinct, but was recently re-discovered in Indonesia! It's called a pygmy tarsier, and it's so goofy looking that it's adorable!!! Plus, anything that comes in a mini size is immediately appealing to me. lol. Here are some pics of the little guys!










Any opinions on my new little buddies?

Feel free to comment back w/ pics of your favorite animals!

illness

Yep, the word "illness" pretty much describes my life right now.

~ Physical: I definitely got a cold over the weekend. Grrr. I never get sick....except now. This must be my "once-a-year" when I actually catch something. I'm so stuffy and runny and exhausted. It sucks. It's nice to slow down and have an excuse to sleep more and take care of myself, but not when I still have a test to study for!!! Why couldn't this have waited til Thursday afternoon!?!? Speaking of physical illness, my entire plan for losing weight is going down the drain and I'm reverting back to my old self. I'm terrified that I'll never be able to change my lifestyle for the better. I hate my body, it's disgusting, and I have to try harder to fix it so I don't live my whole life in this condition. I feel so trapped. And the added pressure of having to look good as a bridesmaid in May is kinda freaking me out, although hopefully that will be my motivation to get my butt back into gear over Christmas break.

~ Mental: Yeah...sometimes I just feel so messed up in the head. I can't focus on anything important, and it's definitely being reflected in my schoolwork. My grades are suffering and I've become so apathetic because I'm just hanging on until Christmas break so I can get away from everything. Meanwhile tests are coming and going, and I'm never prepared. And it's such a vicious cycle because the worse I do, the more my peers manage to make me feel stupid, which makes me give up, which results in even worse grades on the next exam. I can't believe they haven't kicked me out of pharm school yet...

~ Emotional: I can't seem to break this cycle of depression. I know it's a clinical thing, and not just a low point in my life, because I have a chronic low level of sadness even when everything in my life is going perfectly fine. Well, everything's not fine right now, so the condition is much more obvious. And I feel like a complete ass taking out my frustration/annoyance/sadness/anger on people around me, especially my roomies. They're brave souls for choosing to live with me, that's all I can say.

~ Spiritual: More like death than illness, really. I basically don't have a spiritual life right now. I go to church and campus minstries, but outside of that I spend zero time with God. No praying. No Bible study. No nothing. And as much as I know that my life is better with Him in control, it takes so much strength and dedication to build my faith back up again. Strength and dedication are two things I definitely don't have right now. At all. I'm weak and sad and sick and lonely, and too apathetic to do anything about it. Feeling this way just makes me crawl deeper into my shell, it doesn't give me motivation to change like it would for some people.

Well, if you just read this you can see how much I need prayers right now. Especially since I don't even remember to pray for myself most of the time. Ok, sorry this was so messed up, but it helps me to organize my thoughts in writing. I'll stop talking about how much I suck at life now.

grrr, sickly

Ok, who got me sick? Confess now! Ugh, my throat hurts so bad today, and this is the worst time of year to get sick! Sickness + studying = impossible! Grrrrr.

I'm getting new glasses! Yay! I found frames I like at WalMart, but I didn't order anything yet because I might have to find something cheaper. Now that I know what shape looks good on me I gotta search around on zennioptical.com and see if I can find anything similar. But it makes me nervous not being able to try them on, ya know?

Additional note about my laptop wants.....talked to my mom on the phone today, and it sounds like a new laptop is my top priority xmas/bday present!!!! And I definitely emphasized the one w/ the drug design, just so they wouldn't get confused. lol. It sucks that they're worried about money right now, but having two college kids w/ expensive tuitions, added to the fact that my mom isn't getting enough hours at work, is putting a strain on the wallet. But it'll be better when my Dad gets his bonus in a few months.

I'm getting a little anxious about apartment hunting for Kalamazoo for next year. I haven't started yet, but at least I have a little help - Sarah's fiance brought over some info from when they searched around, and they offered me their extra bedroom if I need to stay the weekend to hunt for housing. And I had another though today too....since it's looking like I'll be living by myself, I really wanna get a kitty!!! I miss my Riley when I'm at school, and I also believe that pets are a huge stress reliever, which I obviously need. So yeah, that would be really exciting, but I guess it depends on where I live, and if I'd be able to have the cat when I'm doing my rotations around the state during my last year of the program. If I end up living at home to save money, I'm not sure my parents would want another cat around, and I'm not sure if Riley could handle it. We'll have to talk it over.

Ok, I don't feel like writing anymore. All I can think about is how my throat is pissing me off!!! Poo on whoever got me sick!!!!!!!!!!!

midnight ramblings

Ugh, finally it's the weekend! Such a long week. Especially the part where I got Bonched - although failing one of Dr. Boncher's tests isn't such a surprise anymore. But still, not fun. I'm sick of feeling like I might get kicked out of pharm school at any moment. But I'm too tired to get into that whole train of thought right now. Just excited for relaxing for a couple days!

I'm getting my eyes checked at WalMart tomorrow, and I get to pick out new glasses, yay! Also, someone told me about this site where you can get super cheap glasses (frames AND prescription lenses) for as little as $8.00! www.zennioptical.com - I have a link to it over on the side of this page. Anywho, I'm probably gonna try on frames at the store to figure out which ones look good on me, and then I'll check the website to find that type. Yep, cheap is good for glasses that I only wear at night and occasionally when my contacts hurt too bad. When I pick some glasses I'll probably post a picture or two, so check back later!

Second exciting thing........1 week til TWILIGHT!!!! lol. Yep, I'm one of those people. I've read all 4 books (the first one in under 7 hours!) and I'm excited for the movie. I'm just hoping it's a good one, cuz everyone knows it's rare indeed when both the movie and book are enjoyable. Usually it's just one or the other. We'll see!

OK, so tired I can barely see straight. I'm just thoroughly amused by this blog and I wanna write in it all the time, even when nothing exciting is going on. lol. Anyways, off to sleep! Nite!

sometimes i'm just a bundle of wants

I've started formulating my Christmas list in my mind, and the sad thing is that even though my list is much shorter than previous years, everything is so expensive! Grrr. Money sucks. But anyways, here are a few of the things on my wish list, even if I don't think I'll get them:


1) A new laptop! I have a Dell Inspiron 6000 right now. It's almost 3 and a half years old, and it's kinda a piece of crap. It's still functional, which makes me feel bad about asking for a new one, but it's dirty, slow, and has keys falling off. One of my current faves is this Dell Studio 15 laptop. It's got a 15.4" widescreen, built-in webcam with microphone, weighs about 6 pounds (a little on the heavy side, but not too bad)......the problem I have is that it runs on Windows Vista - you just can't find anything that runs off Windows XP these days! I've heard bad things about Vista, and I'm not one for change, but maybe I'd like it. But I think my favorite part of this laptop is the design!!! It's an original artwork design of ARDs (antiretroviral drugs) used to treat HIV/AIDS, which is where part of the money goes. Yeah, I'm a druggie who loves a good cause!





















2) A wireless printer to go along with the laptop! My printer sucks big time - the scanner doesn't work anymore, and it tries to eat all the paper if there's more than one piece, so when I print things I have to feed it only one sheet at a time! SUCKS!!! And my internet connection and printer are on opposite sides of the room, so I have to sit my laptop on a chair in between so that all cords will reach. I NEED WI-FI PRINTING! Here's a nice one - it's Epson brand (which I've never had, so I dunno about it) and it's a 4-in-1 machine (photo printer, copier, scanner, faxer).

3) A new watch. OK, so I can't even try to reason this purchase out - it's a total splurge! It's a Coach watch for goodness sakes, of course it's going to be ridiculous. It's $400! I know, insane, BUT a quarter of the price goes towards breast cancer research, and I've mentioned how I'm a sucker for a cause. Here's the beautful timepiece:





















4) This one's more of a necessity, but not for Christmas. I'll get something to this effect probably this summer. I'm supposed to have a PDA device for my pharmacy school clinicals and clerkship rotations - we put drug databases on them so we can find info fast - and I'm thinking I might as well get one that also works as a phone. Thus, the BlackBerry!

reason behind the obsession

I ♥ the Jonas Brothers! Just thought I'd explain why...

1. I love boy band music. It's my weakness, I'll admit it.
2. They're Christians! Yay for boys with morals, standards, and faith!
3. These guys are exactly the type of role models Hollywood needs right now, and I'm grateful that kids/teens have them to look up to.
4. I'm impressed with how they use their popularity to raise awareness for Juvenile Diabetes and how they do concerts that benefit charities and things like that. It's awesome that they realize how privileged they are to be in a position where they have the power to change the world for the better.
5. They're family-oriented. I love how close they are, and the fact that their whole family does everything together.
   
6. They're just plain talented! I got to see them in concert and it was awesome! They play different instruments and are so energetic & entertaining, it's impossible NOT to have fun when they perform!

Yep, love them. End of story. Here are some pics to prove it! hehe

on a dismal note

Ok, here's my first outpouring of emotions on this blog. Don't read if you don't wanna know what's really on my mind. Essentially I'm an emotional rollercoaster, and it only seems to be getting worse over the years I've been in college. Probable causes: stress & anxiety over pharm school, uncertainty about the future, distance from the people I love most, lack of faith & focus, self-inflicted emotional abuse over my every negative quality, discouragement with my health, general (or genetic?) mental instability, intense feelings of loneliness.......or all of the above! Yep, this list pretty much describes every single struggle I'm going through right now in life. Here are the details of my current situation:

• pharm school - It sucks. Bad. I expected classes to get harder, but that doesn't mean I'm prepared to handle it. Mostly I let my emotions get in the way of focusing on my studies, and it's so hard to fix that. Plus I feel so discouraged all the time when my peers easily surpass me in every class, and my family, who are my main support system, are so far away.
  
• uncertain future - Obviously this one is dumb. There's a song by Rush of Fools that talks about "letting go of false control" because that's really what it is. I try to control my life when it'd be much easier to just let go and give it over to God. Easier said than done, my friends.
• distance - I hate being at school, and sometimes I can't even stand to stay in Big Rapids, which is why I go home to Midland all the time. It's my "happy place" as my mom would say. It's currently the only place I find peace, mentally & emotionally. And I feel unloved here at school, whether it's true or not, it's what I feel. I miss my family and Midland friends constantly. It sucks.
• unfocused & unfaithful - I feel so out of whack right now because my spiritual life is so messed up. I still go to church & ministry groups, but I haven't spent time studying the Bible and listening for God to guide my life. And I can feel that I'm paying the price for my lack of faith and my inability to keep God at the center of things.
  
• inner abuse - It's always been a problem of mine that I let myself get away with negative thoughts. I get carried away when I'm depressed, and I can't seem to stop beating myself up over everything. I feel worthless as a Christian, stupid in classes, fat because I can't seem to change my lifestyle, and ashamed of the way I take out my anger/depression on the people around me. It's hard to find encouragement, but mostly because I push people away and just sink deeper into the black hole of my depression.
• lifestyle - I did so well this summer, losing 17 lbs since mid-June, after I got on medication and started living healthier. But since school got back in full swing it's been a downward spiral of depression & exhaustion, followed by lack of ambition to exercise, followed by emotional eating, followed by self-hatred because I find my body disgusting.
• basket case - Yep, I'm an emotional mess. Which is not a surprise to anyone, but it seems to be getting out of control. I'm debating getting some counseling, although I'd prefer to find a Christian counselor, and it's hard because this task just feels like another addition for my long to-do list. I'd rather not go on medication, but I'm getting so frustrated with my inability to regulate my own emotions. I wish I could fix myself, but I can't.
• waves of loneliness - I think I know about 10 or 11 engaged couples right now, and many more of my friends are in relationships, and it's so hard to be around all of that right now. I hate watching people go about relationships in the wrong way - some people put up with abuse, some people give love without recieving any, some people are so focused on that one person that they've completely abandoned other relationships, etc. But I think I'm even more frustrated with the relationships I see that are going perfectly - it's becoming increasingly painful to watch my friends enjoy the one thing I want most right now, and can't have.
  

Whew! Enough drama for you? Told you not to read it if you didn't wanna know! Well, the thing is, I'm not quite sure how to fix these things. I've kinda given up on fixing it. I'm just trying to survive until I can go home for Christmas break and forget that school/BR even exists. But I know that's not right. So I guess I'll keep pressing on until I find ways to channel my problems into something positive and productive. If this semester isn't a test of my faith, I don't know what is.....


*It's different when you're lonely, it's like the whole world is in love.*

*If you look inside a girl's heart, you'll see how much she really cries. You'll find hidden secrets, best friends, and lies. But what you'll see the most is how hard it is to stay strong when nothing's right, everything's wrong.*

testing 1,2,3...

Since it generally helps me to express myself in writing (and because I'm incapable of doing it aloud) I thought I'd get back into blogging. Just trying to find a way to channel my thoughts and release them before I go crazy. Hope this will help...