- pharm school - It sucks. Bad. I expected classes to get harder, but that doesn't mean I'm prepared to handle it. Mostly I let my emotions get in the way of focusing on my studies, and it's so hard to fix that. Plus I feel so discouraged all the time when my peers easily surpass me in every class, and my family, who are my main support system, are so far away.
- uncertain future - Obviously this one is dumb. There's a song by Rush of Fools that talks about "letting go of false control" because that's really what it is. I try to control my life when it'd be much easier to just let go and give it over to God. Easier said than done, my friends.
- distance - I hate being at school, and sometimes I can't even stand to stay in Big Rapids, which is why I go home to Midland all the time. It's my "happy place" as my mom would say. It's currently the only place I find peace, mentally & emotionally. And I feel unloved here at school, whether it's true or not, it's what I feel. I miss my family and Midland friends constantly. It sucks.
- unfocused & unfaithful - I feel so out of whack right now because my spiritual life is so messed up. I still go to church & ministry groups, but I haven't spent time studying the Bible and listening for God to guide my life. And I can feel that I'm paying the price for my lack of faith and my inability to keep God at the center of things.
- inner abuse - It's always been a problem of mine that I let myself get away with negative thoughts. I get carried away when I'm depressed, and I can't seem to stop beating myself up over everything. I feel worthless as a Christian, stupid in classes, fat because I can't seem to change my lifestyle, and ashamed of the way I take out my anger/depression on the people around me. It's hard to find encouragement, but mostly because I push people away and just sink deeper into the black hole of my depression.
- lifestyle - I did so well this summer, losing 17 lbs since mid-June, after I got on medication and started living healthier. But since school got back in full swing it's been a downward spiral of depression & exhaustion, followed by lack of ambition to exercise, followed by emotional eating, followed by self-hatred because I find my body disgusting.
- basket case - Yep, I'm an emotional mess. Which is not a surprise to anyone, but it seems to be getting out of control. I'm debating getting some counseling, although I'd prefer to find a Christian counselor, and it's hard because this task just feels like another addition for my long to-do list. I'd rather not go on medication, but I'm getting so frustrated with my inability to regulate my own emotions. I wish I could fix myself, but I can't.
- waves of loneliness - I think I know about 10 or 11 engaged couples right now, and many more of my friends are in relationships, and it's so hard to be around all of that right now. I hate watching people go about relationships in the wrong way - some people put up with abuse, some people give love without recieving any, some people are so focused on that one person that they've completely abandoned other relationships, etc. But I think I'm even more frustrated with the relationships I see that are going perfectly - it's becoming increasingly painful to watch my friends enjoy the one thing I want most right now, and can't have.
*It's different when you're lonely, it's like the whole world is in love.*
*If you look inside a girl's heart, you'll see how much she really cries. You'll find hidden secrets, best friends, and lies. But what you'll see the most is how hard it is to stay strong when nothing's right, everything's wrong.*
