illness

Yep, the word "illness" pretty much describes my life right now.

~ Physical: I definitely got a cold over the weekend. Grrr. I never get sick....except now. This must be my "once-a-year" when I actually catch something. I'm so stuffy and runny and exhausted. It sucks. It's nice to slow down and have an excuse to sleep more and take care of myself, but not when I still have a test to study for!!! Why couldn't this have waited til Thursday afternoon!?!? Speaking of physical illness, my entire plan for losing weight is going down the drain and I'm reverting back to my old self. I'm terrified that I'll never be able to change my lifestyle for the better. I hate my body, it's disgusting, and I have to try harder to fix it so I don't live my whole life in this condition. I feel so trapped. And the added pressure of having to look good as a bridesmaid in May is kinda freaking me out, although hopefully that will be my motivation to get my butt back into gear over Christmas break.

~ Mental: Yeah...sometimes I just feel so messed up in the head. I can't focus on anything important, and it's definitely being reflected in my schoolwork. My grades are suffering and I've become so apathetic because I'm just hanging on until Christmas break so I can get away from everything. Meanwhile tests are coming and going, and I'm never prepared. And it's such a vicious cycle because the worse I do, the more my peers manage to make me feel stupid, which makes me give up, which results in even worse grades on the next exam. I can't believe they haven't kicked me out of pharm school yet...

~ Emotional: I can't seem to break this cycle of depression. I know it's a clinical thing, and not just a low point in my life, because I have a chronic low level of sadness even when everything in my life is going perfectly fine. Well, everything's not fine right now, so the condition is much more obvious. And I feel like a complete ass taking out my frustration/annoyance/sadness/anger on people around me, especially my roomies. They're brave souls for choosing to live with me, that's all I can say.

~ Spiritual: More like death than illness, really. I basically don't have a spiritual life right now. I go to church and campus minstries, but outside of that I spend zero time with God. No praying. No Bible study. No nothing. And as much as I know that my life is better with Him in control, it takes so much strength and dedication to build my faith back up again. Strength and dedication are two things I definitely don't have right now. At all. I'm weak and sad and sick and lonely, and too apathetic to do anything about it. Feeling this way just makes me crawl deeper into my shell, it doesn't give me motivation to change like it would for some people.

Well, if you just read this you can see how much I need prayers right now. Especially since I don't even remember to pray for myself most of the time. Ok, sorry this was so messed up, but it helps me to organize my thoughts in writing. I'll stop talking about how much I suck at life now.