*sigh* Still having a hard time letting go of all the little bad things in my life that get me down. It's still the same old combo of things (sucky grades, lacking love, self-hatred, etc.), but to add to that I thought I'd found the perfect way to make some money next semester, and it fell through. So, there's a greenhouse on the end of the pharmacy building where they grow medicinal plants and harvest them so they can be used in labs and such. Well, on our online Pharmacy discussion board some guy posted about his current part-time position there becoming available next semester. It sounded so perfect because first of all I'll actually have time to work if I get a job. I only have 3 classes and 1 lab, which aren't easy by any means, but it leaves me room to get other things done too. And also, since it's a greenhouse/gardening job it combines my only previous work experience (The Dow Gardens) with my major! So yep, it sounded perfect. But it was filled only TWO FREAKING HOURS after the post was made!!!!!! I was pretty ticked off when some P1 girl told me that. Damn. It really would have been great. I feel like such a freaking bum b/c I don't pay for anything right now. I know I'm super privileged and lucky to have parents who are able to pay for my schooling and housing and food and such, but I'm 21 for goodness sakes! I should be making money! It's just frustrating b/c I know what it feels like to be making money, and now I can't have that. And I don't want to mooch off my parents all the time, it sucks big time. So anywho, bottom line is that my perfect job was snatched right out from under me. Grrrr.
Other issue = depression. I think I might actually call the Counseling Center soon. It's probably about that time. If I truly am depressed (which I don't doubt, but technically I've never been diagnosed), then I have an imbalance of neurotransmitters in my brain and it's not just some emotional thing that I can fix by myself. Believe me, I've tried. And I'd rather just deal with it myself than get other people, or medication, involved. But I can't fix it. I'll admit it. So maybe I should just get an appointment and see if it's worth looking into further treatment. I even drive myself crazy with my mood swings these days - I'm surprised that I still have friends b/c people should be sick of me by now! I'm ridiculous sometimes, and I hate it when I can go from perfectly fine one minute, to depressed/anxious/lonely/tired the next. And then there's the fact that when I'm in one of my moods, nothing is going to fix it. Food won't fix it, alone time won't fix it, sleeping won't fix it...and the last 2 things on my mind during episodes would be talking to someone about it or praying. Just not gonna happen when I'm in my downward spiral. And I don't think most people understand what I'm going through. To non-sufferers depression just looks like people are sad and can't get over it. Not the case by any means. It's truly a terrible place to be stuck in all the negative thoughts that are swirling around your mind, and not being able to get out or to be pulled out by anyone else. That's how it feels, whether you believe it or not. So yeah, this might be my time to get some actual help for it before it gets worse. We'll see.
Well, I'm sure there's more I could get off my chest right now...if I wasn't about to pass out from exhaustion. It's been a busy weekend. Ok, off to bed, hopefully waking up in a good mood b/c it's a short week and I get to go home soon!!!! Nite all.
So much for bed time huh? ;)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I definitely understand the whole depression cycle again...I've tried really hard this year to not let myself get into it and I'm pretty sure I've only had one really bad day:
point being...there are resources there to help...even the counceling center can really help...I mean this summer they really helped me in just a few sessions see what I really needed to do. And antidepressants aren't really bad...just a little bit can help...