weird...

It's so weird when things just hit you out of nowhere, like you all of a sudden understand something that's pretty ordinary and didn't seem to apply to you. Well, my current whack upside the head comes from the phrase you read a lot about where people "have trouble opening up" to other people. I was just thinking about it the other day and suddenly realized that I kinda have this problem even though I've always looked at it as a foreign concept. I guess I equated "emotional" with "open". Not the case! I'm definitely full of emotions (so much so that I should probably be drugged up and seeing a shrink by now), but I have become more and more of an internalizer. When I get really upset I tend to just hold everything in and hide from the world. Since I have a terrible time expressing feelings with words I just figure it'd be easier not to explain myself to other people. Hence the blog, where I can write & rewrite my thoughts without having to stumble over things and start crying. I'm realizing that holding things in has become a definite problem. I already have a lot of things internalized because I'm a "listener" - I love to just be there for other people by listening, even when I can't help or offer any useful advice. But the problem is that I take all of that and store it inside (cuz I obviously can't let it out elsewhere or I'd be gossiping), which can leave very little space after awhile for my own problems! However, it definitely bugs me that my problems are all stupid little emotional things, not anything huge like being homeless or broke or in a messed-up family.....I feel like I have absolutely no right to complain or even to vent! My life is awesome compared to most, but my emotions/depression gets in the way of enjoying a lot of it. So yeah, I hold things in because it makes more sense to me than dumping stupid things on other people. I'd rather not add to anyone else's emotional state when I don't have to. But this vessel called Katie can't hold as much as I used to think it could. Yep, I'm starting to think even more seriously about getting counseling. "Starting to" being the key words. I'm not thoroughly convinced yet. But it's definitely becoming a more appealing option these days. We'll see, maybe I'll make a pro/con list (haha, lists, a very Katie thing to do) when I have time to rest my brain this weekend. For now, back to Med Chem quizzing! Must practice up for my beast-of-a-test tomorrow! Adios.