Back, but not better....

Here I am again, after quite a long break. I obviously didn't have time to write this blog during P3 year, and it was certainly a crazy year. Crazy in a bad way. As in, it made me crazy.

I can't even begin to explain what's happened to me. I've always struggled with depression, and more recently with anxiety, so I started seeing a psychiatrist in January and got put on some meds. For awhile I was doing great. I was feeling better than ever, like I could finally get past the giant roadblock of negative thoughts in my head and live the life I wanted to. Then came March 18th...

On March 18th I had my 2nd panic attack ever. I got shaky, flushed, dizzy, and my throat felt like it was closing in on me. Panic attacks are truly a terrifying experience. I really thought I was dying. I even called an ambulance once because I thought I was going to stop breathing. Ever since that day my throat has felt like it's only a fraction of the size it's supposed to be. I've continued having panic attacks because of this, and I've gone to bed several nights fearing that my throat would close up in my sleep and I would die.

Afraid. That's all I am these days. I'm constantly afraid that I'm currently dying or I'm going to die. Part of me realizes how utterly stupid and irrational this is. I know it's crazy and I shouldn't be thinking any of these thoughts. But they're there in my head, and they don't seem to be going away. I can't stop the cycle of fear and anxiety that's taken over my body! I need some serious help.

I've tried so many things to get back the old version of me. I have a psychiatrist and my meds have been switched around. I saw a campus doctor, an emergency room doctor, and Ear/Nose/Throat specialist, and now a chiropractor. AND I have an appointment with an allergist later this month. And I've gotten sinus x-rays, soft tissue x-rays of my neck, x-rays of my neck and upper back, been tested for mono, and taken antihistamines in case of allergies. I don't know where to go from here! What the hell is wrong with me!?!?

I also discovered the definition of agoraphobia today while re-reading my therapeutics notes, and it pretty much describes exactly what I've become in the past 4 months......Agoraphobia: Anxiety of being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult or embarrassing, or in which help might not be available in the event of a panic attack; situations are avoided or endured with much distress; may exist with or without panic disorder. Yep, this is exactly how I am. Driving makes me anxious. The only place I feel comfortable and safe is at home. I want to see my friends, but it makes me so anxious to travel to Big Rapids or anywhere else. I don't feel trapped, per-say, because I feel so safe here at home. But I do know that this constant fear is keeping me from doing things that would normally be no big deal, like going to see my friends.

All I feel like doing is curling up in a ball on my bed and crying. I can't get past how my body and mind are freaking out on me. And my Dad just thinks I'm ridiculous. He thinks that happy thoughts will make all of this go away, but he doesn't understand what I'm going through and how impossible it is for me to just pretend like everything is fine. It's not fine!

Nothing is fine anymore. I have almost nothing to love about my life right now. I would give just about anything to get back who I was in January and February. I wish March 18th had never happened. I can't even talk about this anymore because I'm getting too upset.....

The End

I need to keep telling myself that....

I'm doing just fine. I'm adjusting well to my new apartment, even starting to like it a little. Kalamazoo isn't my ideal place to live, but it's not a horrible city and I'm not in a sketchy neighborhood. I feel relatively safe here and so far I haven't gotten lost. I'm able to find my classes and my IPPE just fine after being here one week. I've been to all of my classes once already and haven't quit or run out of the room crying - I take it as a good sign. I'm not failing anything. The class material is not impossible to understand, I just need to get used to the format in which they set everything up online. I'm going to be so much better at patient counseling and giving case presentations after this year. I just might develop those time management skills I've been lacking during college. Maybe. :o) I'll be more independent after this year than I ever have been, and will have more of the skills I need when I graduate and become a real adult - things like ordering cable & internet, paying rent, etc. And, even though it may not seem like it now, the best thing I think will happen to me this year is that it will really challenge my faith in God. I'm already learning to rely more on Him than ever, what with the daily mental breakdowns and crying sessions I've been having. But I obviously am good at worrying about nothing, and all of the petty things that upset me right now are nothing that God can't handle. I'm just going to calm myself down, breathe, and remember that there's nothing I can't do through Him. God loves me always and will help me with whatever I ask - study skills, relaxation, confidence, maturity, focus, positive thinking - everything is possible if I let Him into my heart and mind and put my life in His hands.

I think this may be the start of a brand new outlook for me. And my blogging will still be a way to calm myself down, but instead of writing out everything that's going wrong I will start writing about all of the things that are going right and about how God can help me get through this. So now, after organizing myself and sending up some prayers, it's time for me to get back to work! As Mom says, I'm going to "just do one more thing to make tomorrow easier." The best thing I can do is take it step by step and day by day. Ok...focus time!

♥ For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength. ~Philippians 4:13

i hate it here

Maybe I'm just having a bad day, or maybe my depression is getting the best of me, but so far I'm hating it here in Kalamazoo. I'm beyond lonely and I absolutely can't wait until this year is over and I don't have to live here anymore. There's no point in leaving my apartment because there's nobody to go anywhere and do fun stuff with. So basically I'm in class all day and then I come home to study alone in my apartment. This place will never feel like home, especially with most of my friends at least 2 hours away and my family 3 hours away. They say home is where the heart is and my heart is in Midland and Big Rapids.

I'm also hating P3 year so far. I've had a full week of classes so I've kinda gotten the gist of what everything's going to be like (except tests because I haven't had one yet). There are so many presentations this year and it's really freaking me out. I'm terrible at speaking in front of people. There's also so many pre-class assignments and readings that I can't even keep track! I thought having a planner would help, but it doesn't help because I'm having so much trouble even finding assignments all throughout Ferris Connect. It's so confusing and I'm probably going to miss some deadlines this semester. My attention span also hasn't improved at all. Even as I write this I should be studying. That was the intention for today, but so far it's not going so well.

It's Labor Day weekend and I don't have class again until Tuesday afternoon. I should be having some fun, right? Wrong. I decided not to go home in order to force myself to get caught up on classwork and possibly even get ahead on a couple of things. I'm an idiot. I'm sitting here in my apartment alone, crying, writing a blog in an attempt to get it all out of my head.......this sucks so bad I can't even explain it.

That's my week in a nutshell - an "I hate my life" kind of week. If anyone figures out a way to switch lives with someone else, please let me know!

P3 Year in Kalamazoo

Here we go again. Another disgustingly hard year as a pharmacy grad student. Blah.

I'm pretty much all moved into my new apartment. It's not too shabby for just me. And I finally have cable and internet! I felt like an idiot trying to order it over the phone because I've never done it before, but I must have done it correctly because everything works! Yay! Just having some background noise is wonderful because I lived in a deathly silent apartment by myself for almost a week. All better now! I'm currently at home because I forgot a few things that were too big/expensive for Mom to mail (like every single jacket I own and my official white coat I need for lab and work...), but other than that I have my apartment set up the way I like it. I should put up pictures later...

I had orientation yesterday morning at Spindler Hall on Western Michigan University's campus, which is the building where almost all of my classes will be held. We also have our Therapeutics class across the street at MSU/KCMS, which is a clinic-type place affiliated with Michigan State and Ferris. And it's also (conveniently) the location for my Community IPPE! I'm relieved because it'll help me get familiar with the building for when I have classes there, and it's right across from Spindler so I won't ever get lost trying to go to work! If you know me, you know that I'm a nervous driver and terrified of driving around newer, bigger places. So I was obviously not looking forward to the prospect of getting lost in Kzoo. Right now I'm sticking to the few places I know - my apartment, Meijer, Spindler Hall, MSU/KCMS, and Sarah & Kevin's apartment!

The professors and older students kinda freaked me out at orientation as far as the curriculum goes. I'm easily stressed out, so getting this flood of information was overwhelming and made me wanna hide under a rock. I'm not as mature as most people think. I hate change. Hate it. And I freak out inside about every single little new thing I have to experience. All of these changes in such a short period of time are scaring me, but I really need to learn to just suck it up and deal with change. I'm ashamed that I get this worked up about it when I'm supposed to be a grad student and a medical professional. I don't feel professional in the least. Maybe after this year is over. We'll see. I really envy some of my classmates' ability to go with the flow and take charge in situations that make me really nervous. Hopefully I can learn to become better at adjusting and adapting this year. Pray for me!

That's about all for now. Once classes start up I might write again just to vent or de-stress.